Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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