I accidentally burped into my bong.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
