I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
