Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There r osticjed everywhere
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
