Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's never too late to be topless.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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