My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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