cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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