another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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