i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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