i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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