Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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