Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
