youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
