Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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