I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
