im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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