Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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