I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
