girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
