i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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