"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
