i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
