Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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