Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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