he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
