I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
