He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
