it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
