I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
