Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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