got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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