I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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