You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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