Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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