I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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