we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
