The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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