the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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