so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
