just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
