I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
