I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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