If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
