I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
