twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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