So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
