Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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