i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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