I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
