All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
