how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
accomplished twins. life is a go
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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