We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
