my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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