Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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