When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
