she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
