If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is my gift to your gina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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