so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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