New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
