my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
