and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
