Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
